I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
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