you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
