Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
