I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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