just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
