Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Randomize
