Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
