For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize