I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
