He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
