That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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