No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
