Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Im part way to drunk.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize