I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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