Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize