; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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