I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
