how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
