just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
