I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
