do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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