He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
