my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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