If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
