I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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