You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
