fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
i am craving dick and cupcakes
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
