my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize