I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
