just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
