so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
