ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
