I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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