It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
