I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
