If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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