You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
