Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Redeem this text for a blowjob
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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