Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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