If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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