I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
she looked like the before picture.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
