So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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