Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
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