um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
