I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
