I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
