I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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