conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
