i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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