I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
