today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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