the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I woke up under a house in Key West
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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