I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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