The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
