Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
