Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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