I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
