you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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